What to Say to a Narcissist to Hurt Them
Many people are simply not educated on the concept of the "narcissistic wound," also known as the narcissistic injury, and are in for a wrath beyond comprehension when they offend a person with narcissism.
When offended, a typical person might experience hurt feelings or feel insulted or angry. However, the offended person might ultimately talk it through with the individual who committed the transgression, with a willingness to repair the relationship and move on. This can take time.
In general, bonds are developed and strengthened through the process of "rupture and repair." People learn to handle insecurities in a relationship by building trust over time as they see each rupture or conflict in the relationship eventually leads to a deeper connection or repair.
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Not so in the narcissistic relationship. Offending a person with narcissism can lead to immediate, lasting, and perhaps irreparable fallout.
When dealing with a person with narcissism, the rules are different. This is true in all aspects of the relationship, but for this article, the focus is on the narcissistic wound. These types of wounds are unlike other types of interpersonal ruptures. These differences are listed below:
| Typical Rupture | Narcissistic Wound |
| Hurt feelings | Shame attack |
| Reaction tends to match offense | Extreme overreaction |
| May result in anger | Results in rage |
| May take time to repair | Causes existential threat to relationship |
| Is eventually resolved | Is never resolved |
| Normal | Pathological |
| Same personality, just more angry | Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde |
| Offended person may react with anger, withdrawal, or repairable retaliation | Person with narcissism reacts with punishment, banishment, devaluing, or discarding of offender |
Why People with Narcissism React Differently
Why do people with narcissism react so vehemently when threatened by a seemingly minor offense? The answer is complicated:
- Their grandiose views of themselves are threatened by perceived attacks. These grandiose views of themselves are necessary for their self-preservation. When threatened, they are not merely offended, but their entire sense of self is at stake. Their grandiosity was developed as an over-compensatory, albeit protective, means to defend the person from feeling any sense of vulnerability.
- People with narcissism do not operate within the realms of "normal" human interaction, but rather in a relational "barter system" that generates "narcissistic supply"—also known as narcissistic food—which includes admiration, attention, praise, accolades, being perceived as superior, being seen as special, or any other means of being viewed as "top dog." When others feed them these types of "food," people with narcissism may have a false sense of satisfaction, but they are generally never fully content because they are still lacking in true connection and intimacy with another.
Whenever suppliers of narcissistic food fail to maintain their end of the barter system—which, by the way, is ultimately one-sided—people with narcissism experience a "wound" because their fragile and dysfunctional ego is left unfulfilled. Their feelings of dependence may get triggered as a result, and they may be incapable of facing any sense of need for another (perhaps because of early childhood attachment injuries). - Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks. They are particularly sensitive to perceived negative attacks because they live in a pseudo-reality or delusional state about themselves in relation to others. They may genuinely believe they are superior to others, so when positive reactions come their way they may take them for granted.
People with narcissism generally feel an inner emptiness and thus need positive input from others in order to maintain their delusional sense of reality. When anyone contradicts their fantasy views of themselves, they get close to those unbearable empty feelings and react strongly in order to stop their impending sense of inadequacy. - People with narcissism tend to have a chronic inner rage. Most people experience anger, usually a response to a perceived threat of some kind. Anger helps us realize when we need to take action, and quickly. Usually when people are angry, they temporarily suspend their cognitive functioning and empathy to a large degree and tend to operate in immediate terms.
Since they are continually full of rage (the flip side of their internal shame), people with narcissism may use any slight as an "excuse" to release some of the pressure of this inner rage/shame struggle. Since narcissistic wounds seem to be triggered by rather innocuous events, it is helpful to understand the true root of the problem is neither caused by the target nor solved by the reaction of the person with narcissism. The true root of the anger of a person with narcissism has to do with a deep-seated inner rage that is in place as a countermeasure to their deep-seated inner shame.
What to Do If You Are Involved in Narcissistic Wounding
Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks.
Since people with narcissism have distorted views of themselves, they tend to perceive any positive interactions as expected and any negative interactions as personal attacks.
If you are involved in a narcissistic injury, perhaps the best thing you can do is learn to step back and observe the person with narcissism with objective curiosity, making silent statements to yourself such as, "Wow, how interesting that this person is going completely ballistic over something so miniscule," or, "Hmm, it's a shame we can't have a healthy conversation or resolve problems together," then simply excuse yourself and go on with your day.
Of course this is not easy, but it's a lot easier than involving yourself in the discussion and trying to reason with the individual. This may just set you up for verbal abuse. There will likely be no good end to that, as you both may end up saying and hearing regrettable things.
If the person with narcissism gives you the silent treatment in response to your having wounded them, you must learn to walk away. A person with narcissism can be expected to want to hurt you as you have supposedly hurt them.
The best way to cope with a person with narcissism is to understand they have a condition, one that manifests in creating a dysfunctional interpersonal relationship. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to have a healthy relationship with a person with narcissism. Once you accept this and learn to not need the person to change, you may be free.
© Copyright 2017 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Sharie Stines, PsyD, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert
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What to Say to a Narcissist to Hurt Them
Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-person-with-narcissism-responds-to-perceived-offense-0309174